If you are like me you live and breathe fashion. You are constantly
inspired with so many new designs racing through your mind, so many you
can't seem to get them all down quick enough at the pace they arrive.
You constantly dream of the day your fashions will be on the fashion
runway with the lights beaming brightly overhead, the cameras flashing
everywhere and the audience being completely mesmerized by your
incredible designs. You can't stop thinking of the day you will open a
magazine or watch the Oscars and see a famous celebrity in one of your
breathtaking designs. Your book shelf is stocked with fashion books and
magazines, and you absolutely can't resist visiting textile stores to
view all the latest fabrics, decorative beads, rhinestones and trims.
It's
this ever present dream of being a successful fashion designer that has
you work day and night on your designs in most cases for many years
without pay and working a job to pay the pills which is brutal torture,
when all you can think about is living and working in fashion.
Famous fashion designers come from all walks of life there is
no one system to follow that will have you become the next famous
fashion designer. Some have graduated from elite fashion schools and
some have never attended fashion school. Some have undertaken a fashion
internship with a fashion house and others have made their own designs
in their basement. The only elements all these fashion designers have in
common is they had an intense passion for fashion, were able to design
fashions highly sought after and connected with someone who gave them
the opportunity to break into the fashion industry. It is essential in
becoming a successful fashion designer you get you and your designs out
there as much as possible, as how will anyone know about your fashions
if they can't see them?
In getting your fashions out there here are a few things you can do:
1.
We are not usually good at everything some of us are great at designing
clothes but lack the sewing and pattern making skills. It is here you
can partner with someone who shares your passion for fashion and has the
skills you lack. It is in the bringing together of different skills you
can create a real product that can be showcased.
2. In having a fashion line of 14 outfits you can apply to your
local fashion week. In the USA: New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco
all have fashion weeks. These fashion weeks attract many editors,
journalists and local socialites who will see your fashions and
potentially give you the exposure you need to get known.
3. Many city night clubs hold fashion shows, find out what night
clubs hold fashion shows and contact them as to how you can be apart of
an up and coming show.
4. Locate fashion boutiques that cater to the fashions you
design, first make a trip to the stores to look around, if you can see
your clothes fitting in well with the store, find out who the owner is
and ask if they would be willing to have some of your fashions offered
for sale in their store. You will be amazed at how many store owners are
willing to work with you. I walked around San Francisco in the Nob Hill
district and had my fashions placed after visiting and discussing my
product with four boutiques. In having your fashions displayed you will
receive valuable insights as to whether or not your designs are in
demand and if you need to change your designs to increase sales. It will
also give you free exposure to the public. When your fashions do sell
you can present this to investors who are more than willing to invest in
your line, when you prove the existence of a strong demand for your
fashions.
Friday, 30 September 2016
Become a Fashion Designer Without Going to Fashion School
The glitz and glamour of the fashion industry is more reachable
than you think. Although high-profile personalities tend to make couture
wear and high-fashion seem so difficult to own, this projection exists
to make people think high-end clothing can never be recreated, when the
truth is, sewing these clothes together is as easy as tying your
shoelace.
Becoming a fashion designer might have been your dream, but the high costs of sending yourself to fashion school might have discouraged you to pursue that goal. Fortunately, with the boom of the internet, learning the fundamentals of fashion designing and sewing becomes easier to acquire online. Furthermore, you do not have to leave your home and comply with piles and piles of school requirements because you can learn whenever, wherever.
To become a successful designer for couture and casual wear, you need to have persistence and passion for fashion. You need to have a penchant for drawing, designing, and rebuilding new things from older sources. You need to be inventive and innovative at the same time since designs that do well in the fashion world are those that are fresh and striking.
Another important lesson you need to understand is sewing; basically, you need to know how to sew, cut clothes, and picking the write textiles. Try this activity: go through your closet and simply feel the cloth used on your dresses, shirts, jackets and coats. Spend as much time as you can to understand which textile would do well for shirts, dresses and pants.
There are books that tell aspiring fashion designers which cloth would go well for what type of clothing; if you have one, use this as a guide to help you with your designing, but if you don't, there are sewing handbooks that come with a guide to help you select the right textile for clothes.
The third and probably the most important thing you need to understand before becoming a fashion designer is sewing. You will be doing a lot of sewing to show customers what you have created lately. If you find work in a fashion house, you will have to create your clothes yourself and pitch your idea to your boss. If you become a freelance fashion designer, consequently, you need to show your work to your potential clients.
Becoming a fashion designer might have been your dream, but the high costs of sending yourself to fashion school might have discouraged you to pursue that goal. Fortunately, with the boom of the internet, learning the fundamentals of fashion designing and sewing becomes easier to acquire online. Furthermore, you do not have to leave your home and comply with piles and piles of school requirements because you can learn whenever, wherever.
To become a successful designer for couture and casual wear, you need to have persistence and passion for fashion. You need to have a penchant for drawing, designing, and rebuilding new things from older sources. You need to be inventive and innovative at the same time since designs that do well in the fashion world are those that are fresh and striking.
Another important lesson you need to understand is sewing; basically, you need to know how to sew, cut clothes, and picking the write textiles. Try this activity: go through your closet and simply feel the cloth used on your dresses, shirts, jackets and coats. Spend as much time as you can to understand which textile would do well for shirts, dresses and pants.
There are books that tell aspiring fashion designers which cloth would go well for what type of clothing; if you have one, use this as a guide to help you with your designing, but if you don't, there are sewing handbooks that come with a guide to help you select the right textile for clothes.
The third and probably the most important thing you need to understand before becoming a fashion designer is sewing. You will be doing a lot of sewing to show customers what you have created lately. If you find work in a fashion house, you will have to create your clothes yourself and pitch your idea to your boss. If you become a freelance fashion designer, consequently, you need to show your work to your potential clients.
If you have always dreamed of becoming a fashion designer
[http://webvolution.info/fshn/how-to-be-a-top-fashion-designer/] but do
not have the resources, you can always start designing for your
neighbors or local clients. As soon as you've gathered enough designs
and resources, try pitching your work in major fashion hubs like Los
Angeles and New York. More experience would mean a larger portfolio-that
would also mean more profit!
Beauty is Everywhere
As I look out into the world, I see so much to be grateful for.
Surrounded by beauty, I am left in no doubt that we live in a spirit
filled world that is becoming more authentic in the beauty that it is
able to appreciate. For so long we have come to define beauty on a
superficial level, but as we grow, so will our ability to appreciate
beauty grow within us.
With this, understand that only can we recognize and appreciate what is truly beautiful when we have unified with the essence of our own beauty within ourselves. So many struggle to find the beauty in the world when they look outside. Fearful of what they will encounter, they see a world filled with anger, hostility and ugliness, and because this is what they see, this is what becomes real for them, and they continue to live as their self fulfilling prophecy would have it be.
Neglecting their own beauty, they have swallowed a nightmare pill which alters dramatically the world in which they see. Turning away from the spirit, they have chosen to embrace the ego, which sees things always in a distorted light. With power and strength to gain for itself, the ego is devoted not to searching for beauty, but to finding that which can build it up in the eyes of the world. Concerned with the physical world and pleasing those within it, it is not at all interested in the wisdom of the spirit.
Not wanting to be the protagonist in its own demise, the ego has a vested interest in keeping the true source of beauty from your eyes. Not wanting you to experience the awe that beauty inspires, it seeks to keep you in a state of boredom where you ask no questions of life. Asking no questions, you cease to interact with life, and you deprive yourself of the answers that God wants to give to you. This is what it means to be reactive to life, and to suffer in the process.
Called to be proactive, we do not grow in our experience of life, if we have closed ourselves off to what it seeks to teach us. Wanting to show us the beauty in the world and in ourselves, it is a willing teacher, but a teacher has no role to occupy without a student in attendance. This is why we must be open-minded in beauty's presence. With much to give, there is much to learn about the beauty of God which manifests itself in all things.
It is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What this means to me is that each of us has the capacity to find beauty in different things. What some label beautiful, others might label ugly, and vice versa. But does it really matter what verdict is passed on whether something is pleasing to the eye or not? What matters absolutely is the seed of beauty to be found in all things that God has created. With the beauty of the creator pervading each of his creations, that beauty is definitely there to see. The question then becomes what is the quality of the vision of the observer?
Many are capable of seeing the beauty in all that surrounds them, but even more are not. Selective in what they ascribe the label 'beautiful' to, these people have chosen to honour the mind above the heart, which is all to discriminating. Seeing more than the mind is capable of seeing, the heart knows that it is futile to judge, because it realizes that judgment passed on that which appears in a diminished light is falsely condemned. Seeing only a portion of the whole, much is misunderstood; and embracing only a part, much is rejected as irrelevant. See in this, the dangerous game that we play when we choose to have the ego's eyes be the filter with which we view the world.
Seeing only fragments of beauty that it has contaminated through its own judgment, much is discarded, and even less honoured, for God cannot be seen by that which despises his presence. Wanting you not to see him, the ego will lead you to label as ugly, much that is beautiful in appearance and substance.
Intense in its loathing, the ego is not always rational in its judgment, and even in its certainty, it misses much to be appreciated. See in this how the ego's arrogance often leads it to abandon that which could otherwise serve it. Cursed in its blindness, it makes not for wise counsel to the one who searches for a deeper experience of life.
Wanting to experience love, one must consult the heart, being the centre of beauty inside the self. Being not separate from God, it is the gift that God has given us to enjoy the world. Blessed with much, we can find much joy when we look upon the world with spiritual eyes. Hindered not by that which are the ego's shortcomings, we can see the love behind the barriers, and the distinctions which make the miraculous commonplace.
Blessed in spirit, we must not take for granted that which is capable of teaching us who we truly are. Endowed with wisdom, all of God's creations are capable teachers, and assuming not a separate identity from him, they are models to be emulated. With this, learn that beauty is distorted as the separation is affected. So as you travel far from him, so will your ability to experience beauty diminish in strength.
Concerned primarily with attaching labels in the moment, what eludes you is the beauty inherent in entering the moment. To enter the moment, is to join with God in your heart, and see what he sees in the physical world. With all that he created being good, you are then able to see the love that pervades everything in the light of the spirit. Appreciating everything just as it is, you understand that it is enough and that the ego does not have to be invited to enhance what is complete in itself.
Complete, the gifts of God are holy in what they hold and what they deliver. Endowed with beauty, they bring to the lost man, much that is invaluable. Longing for God, those who are lost, suffer in their desperation. Convinced of their own ugliness, the memories of their eternal beauty slip into the past. But the past is not lost forever, for every illusion stands to be corrected, and as a partner with eternity, it will not fail to reveal itself in a touch that the moment has in store, for the child who sees clearly now, not yearning for more.
One of the most memorable times that I recall beauty touching me deeply was in Florence when I went to see Michelangelo's David. I had heard from many people how wonderful this classical piece of sculpture was, but hearing a second hand account doesn't really prepare you for the effect that it has on the soul, when you see it in person. To say that I was taken aback by its beauty would be an understatement. I was left absolutely speechless! To think that one man saw this masterpiece in that block of marble and saw it as his purpose to bring it to life for all to enjoy is awe inspiring to me.
But as I was standing there, just gazing up at the masterwork, I knew not the distraction of thought that attempted to persuade my mind to intellectualize how the work was brought to life. This allowed me to centre myself and let the profound beauty that emanated from the shiny white surface, move my spirit powerfully in the moment. And as I just allowed the moment to touch me, I felt for a moment just how Michelangelo must have felt with the chisel in his hand and the spirit in his heart, for as I am not alone with my pen, he was not alone with his tools, for with every incision had God's hand revealed itself so gently and lovingly.
All in all, I spent about an hour in the company of David, listening only to the silence which was my teacher. And as I meditated on what had greeted my senses, I felt a deep sense of appreciation begin to emerge, and as my eyes began to well up with tears, my constant companion placated my fears that I would miss something, a moment, which taught me who I am, not alone in war, but beautiful and fair.
To know Michelangelo must have been to be in the company of a great lover. Here was a man who made it his life's purpose to serve the world by making manifest in physical form, the love that he carried inside. How else can you explain it? To look into the eyes of David is to know without a shadow of a doubt that he was conceived in love, and because it was this love that filled Michelangelo's heart, the conception was inevitable.
With this, understand that love never leaves beauty unexpressed, for that is not love's way. And in the same way that love will never leave beauty unexpressed, so will it never leave the witnesses to that beauty untouched, for the heart that was inspired to bring the beauty to life, is in no way separate from the heart of the witness who has seen in that beauty a clear image of themself revealed.
See in this, how all embodiments of beauty carry a reflection that is not one dimensional. If you were to observe a rose, you would be moved by the beauty of that rose, but what has moved you is not limited to the petals, stem and thorns which make up that rose. What you receive from that rose is an experience of the beauty of nature which is in no way separate from all that the rose is, because nature is the essence of its being. And as it is with the rose, so it is with you, because nature is the very essence of who you are. As God has breathed life into the rose, so has God breathed life into you, and in it you get a glimpse of not only its glory, but your glory as well, which is a stranger not to the glory of God.
Endowed with all that is beautiful, do not doubt what is yours to give, and as you awake from your slumber, so will your brothers and sisters enjoy a more peaceful rest. Not tormented by their hideous nightmares, a new joy will emerge in the form of a dream that is not isolated in how it comes to bless them. As beauty multiplies, so does its visions, in the mind that has unified itself with the heart.
With this, understand that only can we recognize and appreciate what is truly beautiful when we have unified with the essence of our own beauty within ourselves. So many struggle to find the beauty in the world when they look outside. Fearful of what they will encounter, they see a world filled with anger, hostility and ugliness, and because this is what they see, this is what becomes real for them, and they continue to live as their self fulfilling prophecy would have it be.
Neglecting their own beauty, they have swallowed a nightmare pill which alters dramatically the world in which they see. Turning away from the spirit, they have chosen to embrace the ego, which sees things always in a distorted light. With power and strength to gain for itself, the ego is devoted not to searching for beauty, but to finding that which can build it up in the eyes of the world. Concerned with the physical world and pleasing those within it, it is not at all interested in the wisdom of the spirit.
Not wanting to be the protagonist in its own demise, the ego has a vested interest in keeping the true source of beauty from your eyes. Not wanting you to experience the awe that beauty inspires, it seeks to keep you in a state of boredom where you ask no questions of life. Asking no questions, you cease to interact with life, and you deprive yourself of the answers that God wants to give to you. This is what it means to be reactive to life, and to suffer in the process.
Called to be proactive, we do not grow in our experience of life, if we have closed ourselves off to what it seeks to teach us. Wanting to show us the beauty in the world and in ourselves, it is a willing teacher, but a teacher has no role to occupy without a student in attendance. This is why we must be open-minded in beauty's presence. With much to give, there is much to learn about the beauty of God which manifests itself in all things.
It is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What this means to me is that each of us has the capacity to find beauty in different things. What some label beautiful, others might label ugly, and vice versa. But does it really matter what verdict is passed on whether something is pleasing to the eye or not? What matters absolutely is the seed of beauty to be found in all things that God has created. With the beauty of the creator pervading each of his creations, that beauty is definitely there to see. The question then becomes what is the quality of the vision of the observer?
Many are capable of seeing the beauty in all that surrounds them, but even more are not. Selective in what they ascribe the label 'beautiful' to, these people have chosen to honour the mind above the heart, which is all to discriminating. Seeing more than the mind is capable of seeing, the heart knows that it is futile to judge, because it realizes that judgment passed on that which appears in a diminished light is falsely condemned. Seeing only a portion of the whole, much is misunderstood; and embracing only a part, much is rejected as irrelevant. See in this, the dangerous game that we play when we choose to have the ego's eyes be the filter with which we view the world.
Seeing only fragments of beauty that it has contaminated through its own judgment, much is discarded, and even less honoured, for God cannot be seen by that which despises his presence. Wanting you not to see him, the ego will lead you to label as ugly, much that is beautiful in appearance and substance.
Intense in its loathing, the ego is not always rational in its judgment, and even in its certainty, it misses much to be appreciated. See in this how the ego's arrogance often leads it to abandon that which could otherwise serve it. Cursed in its blindness, it makes not for wise counsel to the one who searches for a deeper experience of life.
Wanting to experience love, one must consult the heart, being the centre of beauty inside the self. Being not separate from God, it is the gift that God has given us to enjoy the world. Blessed with much, we can find much joy when we look upon the world with spiritual eyes. Hindered not by that which are the ego's shortcomings, we can see the love behind the barriers, and the distinctions which make the miraculous commonplace.
Blessed in spirit, we must not take for granted that which is capable of teaching us who we truly are. Endowed with wisdom, all of God's creations are capable teachers, and assuming not a separate identity from him, they are models to be emulated. With this, learn that beauty is distorted as the separation is affected. So as you travel far from him, so will your ability to experience beauty diminish in strength.
Concerned primarily with attaching labels in the moment, what eludes you is the beauty inherent in entering the moment. To enter the moment, is to join with God in your heart, and see what he sees in the physical world. With all that he created being good, you are then able to see the love that pervades everything in the light of the spirit. Appreciating everything just as it is, you understand that it is enough and that the ego does not have to be invited to enhance what is complete in itself.
Complete, the gifts of God are holy in what they hold and what they deliver. Endowed with beauty, they bring to the lost man, much that is invaluable. Longing for God, those who are lost, suffer in their desperation. Convinced of their own ugliness, the memories of their eternal beauty slip into the past. But the past is not lost forever, for every illusion stands to be corrected, and as a partner with eternity, it will not fail to reveal itself in a touch that the moment has in store, for the child who sees clearly now, not yearning for more.
One of the most memorable times that I recall beauty touching me deeply was in Florence when I went to see Michelangelo's David. I had heard from many people how wonderful this classical piece of sculpture was, but hearing a second hand account doesn't really prepare you for the effect that it has on the soul, when you see it in person. To say that I was taken aback by its beauty would be an understatement. I was left absolutely speechless! To think that one man saw this masterpiece in that block of marble and saw it as his purpose to bring it to life for all to enjoy is awe inspiring to me.
But as I was standing there, just gazing up at the masterwork, I knew not the distraction of thought that attempted to persuade my mind to intellectualize how the work was brought to life. This allowed me to centre myself and let the profound beauty that emanated from the shiny white surface, move my spirit powerfully in the moment. And as I just allowed the moment to touch me, I felt for a moment just how Michelangelo must have felt with the chisel in his hand and the spirit in his heart, for as I am not alone with my pen, he was not alone with his tools, for with every incision had God's hand revealed itself so gently and lovingly.
All in all, I spent about an hour in the company of David, listening only to the silence which was my teacher. And as I meditated on what had greeted my senses, I felt a deep sense of appreciation begin to emerge, and as my eyes began to well up with tears, my constant companion placated my fears that I would miss something, a moment, which taught me who I am, not alone in war, but beautiful and fair.
To know Michelangelo must have been to be in the company of a great lover. Here was a man who made it his life's purpose to serve the world by making manifest in physical form, the love that he carried inside. How else can you explain it? To look into the eyes of David is to know without a shadow of a doubt that he was conceived in love, and because it was this love that filled Michelangelo's heart, the conception was inevitable.
With this, understand that love never leaves beauty unexpressed, for that is not love's way. And in the same way that love will never leave beauty unexpressed, so will it never leave the witnesses to that beauty untouched, for the heart that was inspired to bring the beauty to life, is in no way separate from the heart of the witness who has seen in that beauty a clear image of themself revealed.
See in this, how all embodiments of beauty carry a reflection that is not one dimensional. If you were to observe a rose, you would be moved by the beauty of that rose, but what has moved you is not limited to the petals, stem and thorns which make up that rose. What you receive from that rose is an experience of the beauty of nature which is in no way separate from all that the rose is, because nature is the essence of its being. And as it is with the rose, so it is with you, because nature is the very essence of who you are. As God has breathed life into the rose, so has God breathed life into you, and in it you get a glimpse of not only its glory, but your glory as well, which is a stranger not to the glory of God.
Endowed with all that is beautiful, do not doubt what is yours to give, and as you awake from your slumber, so will your brothers and sisters enjoy a more peaceful rest. Not tormented by their hideous nightmares, a new joy will emerge in the form of a dream that is not isolated in how it comes to bless them. As beauty multiplies, so does its visions, in the mind that has unified itself with the heart.
Taking Beer And Wine Can Actually Help Build Our Bones Stronger
The next time you have a drop too much, maybe you can try giving this
excuse to your significant other half. I bet this is the best thing a
man would like to read and know and a woman's worst nightmare. However,
nothing can be further than the truth, the key towards stronger bones is
through drinking beer and wine but in moderation.
A study published in the American Journal Of Clinical Nutrition has offer suggestions that to keep your bones strong and healthy, drinking a beer or two or a glass of wine everyday can have a beneficial effect on your bones by boosting oestrogen levels. However, if you drink anything more or choose hard liquor instead of wine or beer, it will have the reverse effect and will actually weaken your bones instead of strengthening it.
The study reveals the extend of the effect that alcohol can have on bone mineral density and it was larger than any other single nutrient tested, even for calcium. It is definitely not a case of vague outcomes but it is very clear cut on the extent that alcohol can have on bone mineral density.
The researchers found that the bone density (BMD) for men who had a glass or two of wine or beer daily had denser bones than non drinkers. For those who drank two or more glasses of hard liquor had considerably lower BMD than those men who drank up to two glasses of liquor on a daily basis.
One of the reason why beer can be a good source of nutrient for stronger bones is the presence of silicon. Silicon is a mineral that is increasingly rare in modern diet but is much needed for maintaining healthy bones. The silicon content found in beer is at the very minimum accountable for some of the bone building effects in men. For women, too few of them drank beer in the study to make a conclusion on how the mineral affected female bone density.
Why beer and wine are also better choices than liquor for people looking for an alcoholic drink is because beer and wine contain potentially beneficial plant substances such as resveratrol whereas for hard liquor, it has had most of its natural substances removed during its distillation processes.
A study published in the American Journal Of Clinical Nutrition has offer suggestions that to keep your bones strong and healthy, drinking a beer or two or a glass of wine everyday can have a beneficial effect on your bones by boosting oestrogen levels. However, if you drink anything more or choose hard liquor instead of wine or beer, it will have the reverse effect and will actually weaken your bones instead of strengthening it.
The study reveals the extend of the effect that alcohol can have on bone mineral density and it was larger than any other single nutrient tested, even for calcium. It is definitely not a case of vague outcomes but it is very clear cut on the extent that alcohol can have on bone mineral density.
The researchers found that the bone density (BMD) for men who had a glass or two of wine or beer daily had denser bones than non drinkers. For those who drank two or more glasses of hard liquor had considerably lower BMD than those men who drank up to two glasses of liquor on a daily basis.
One of the reason why beer can be a good source of nutrient for stronger bones is the presence of silicon. Silicon is a mineral that is increasingly rare in modern diet but is much needed for maintaining healthy bones. The silicon content found in beer is at the very minimum accountable for some of the bone building effects in men. For women, too few of them drank beer in the study to make a conclusion on how the mineral affected female bone density.
Why beer and wine are also better choices than liquor for people looking for an alcoholic drink is because beer and wine contain potentially beneficial plant substances such as resveratrol whereas for hard liquor, it has had most of its natural substances removed during its distillation processes.
Building A Strong Bones
An adult human being has 206 bones in the body. Mainly, bones
consist of collagen fibers and an inorganic mineral in the form of small
crystals. Living bone in the body contains between 10% and 20% of
water. Of its dry mass, approximately 60-70% is bone mineral. The rest
is collagen, which is the main fibrous protein in the body. The
inorganic mineral calcium phosphate is found in the chemical arrangement
termed calcium hydroxylapatite. This is the bone mineral that gives
bones their rigidity.
Basically, the bone tissue is of two types - cortical and cancellous, which gives bone rigidity and a coral-like three-dimensional internal structure. Other types of tissue found in bones include marrow, endosteum, periosteum, nerves, blood vessels and cartilage.
Bone is an active tissue composed of different types of bone cells. Osteoblasts are involved in the creation and mineralization of bone; osteocytes and osteoclasts are involved in the re-absorption of bone tissue.
People lose bone mass or density as they age, especially women after menopause. The bones lose calcium and other minerals, causing bone loss. Bone loss can cause osteoporosis, where bones can become so thin that they break. Fractures from osteoporosis are a leading cause of disability. The good news: Osteoporosis isn't a natural part of aging. There's plenty we can do to keep our bones strong and healthy.
How to keep bones strong as we age -
Due to significant changes that affect adversely the health of bones with age, people have to take special precautions to prevent or slow down the process of changes.
Take nutrients for bones - Calcium is a crucial building block of bone tissue. Vitamin D helps body absorb and process calcium. Together, these two nutrients are the cornerstone of healthy bones. Milk and other dairy products are excellent natural sources of calcium. One can have adequate amounts of these by eating three servings of dairy products a day. Other good food sources of calcium include calcium-fortified orange juice, leafy green vegetables, and broccoli. Researchers believe that most people fall short on vitamin D, a critical nutrient. Older people are especially at high risk of vitamin D deficiency, the reason being that the body becomes less efficient at producing vitamin D as we age.
Experts recommend across the board 1, 000 mg of calcium a day for most adults and 1, 200 mg/day for women after menopause and men after 70. Normally, adults need at least 600 IU of vitamin D per day for bone health, whereas adults 70 years and older need 800 IU of vitamin D a day to prevent falls and fractures.
Besides these two essential nutrients, bones also require protein, vitamin B12, magnesium, vitamin C, and other nutrients. Unfortunately, the diets of many older people fall short on some of these nutrients. So, even if they're getting calcium and vitamin D, they're still losing bone.
Avoid highly processed food - Processing robs some foods of their natural nutrients. Even when vitamins or minerals are added, processed foods usually lack the full array of nutrients found in natural foods.
Choose whole foods - Choose foods with whole grains, which are far richer in nutrients linked to bone health. Look at the ingredient panel of breads, cereals, and other products made with grain. The first ingredient should be a whole grain.
Go for variety of foods - If you're cooking for yourself, it's easy to get stuck in a rut. You are likely to miss out on the variety that ensures a healthy diet. Try a new grain, such as bulgur or quinoa. Choose vegetables from across the spectrum of colors, from leafy greens to red sweet peppers. Nutritionists say that a colorful diet will help ensure a balance of nutrients necessary for good bone health.
Plan a regular schedule of exercise - Bones are living tissue like muscles and so they respond to exercise as well. Young women and men, who exercise regularly, generally achieve greater peak bone mass (maximum bone density and strength) than those who do not. For most people, bone mass peaks during the third decade of life, after which people begin to lose bone. As a matter of fact, exercise stimulates bone formation, when bone put under moderate stress responds by building density. Depending on your age and workout regimen, it can either increase or maintain bone-mass density.
The best exercise for bones is the weight bearing kind that works against gravity. Some examples of weight bearing exercises are weight training, walking, hiking, jogging, stair climbing, tennis and dancing. Some of exercises fail to exercise all parts of the body like walking will only strengthen muscles and bones of the lower part. And, therefore, a holistic plan of exercise should include working out all parts of the body. So, working out with weight-training machines, free weights, or resistance bands, as well as doing exercises that use your body weight as resistance, for example sit-ups and push-ups, or yoga will all build bone density.
It is advisable to begin exercising when one is young to build and maintain bone strength and mass. A suitable plan of exercise is also recommended, if you are at a high risk of fracture especially if you are over 70 or have broken bones easily in the past, to keep fit safely without causing further fractures. But this category of people should begin working out under the supervisions of an expert. A word of caution for those, who have not participated in any kind of exercise for a long time, is to consult a doctor before beginning an exercise schedule. After getting a green signal, they should approach an expert, who is well versed with all aspects of exercise, in order to take help in formulating a suitable exercise plan.
Limit caffeine - Having too much caffeine can decrease the amount of calcium you absorb. Adults should aim for no more than 400mg of caffeine per day (about 2-3 cups of coffee per day). Pregnant and breastfeeding women should have no more than 300mg caffeine per day.
Limit alcohol - Drinking alcohol can contribute to bone loss. If you drink, have no more than 2-3 drinks per day. Have no more than 15 drinks a week if you are a man and no more than 10 drinks a week if you are a woman.
Quit smoking - If you smoke, you may have faster bone loss and a higher risk of bone fractures than non-smokers.
The bottom line -
It is well evident that we all lose bone density with age, variability of which depends on our lifestyle. Our food and exercise habits greatly influence the health of bones. By eating foods rich in nutrients, avoiding processed foods, consuming whole and variety of foods, limiting intake of alcohol and caffeine, quitting smoking, and by doing regular exercise, we can halt or slow down the process of loss of bone density, occurring with age.
Basically, the bone tissue is of two types - cortical and cancellous, which gives bone rigidity and a coral-like three-dimensional internal structure. Other types of tissue found in bones include marrow, endosteum, periosteum, nerves, blood vessels and cartilage.
Bone is an active tissue composed of different types of bone cells. Osteoblasts are involved in the creation and mineralization of bone; osteocytes and osteoclasts are involved in the re-absorption of bone tissue.
People lose bone mass or density as they age, especially women after menopause. The bones lose calcium and other minerals, causing bone loss. Bone loss can cause osteoporosis, where bones can become so thin that they break. Fractures from osteoporosis are a leading cause of disability. The good news: Osteoporosis isn't a natural part of aging. There's plenty we can do to keep our bones strong and healthy.
How to keep bones strong as we age -
Due to significant changes that affect adversely the health of bones with age, people have to take special precautions to prevent or slow down the process of changes.
Take nutrients for bones - Calcium is a crucial building block of bone tissue. Vitamin D helps body absorb and process calcium. Together, these two nutrients are the cornerstone of healthy bones. Milk and other dairy products are excellent natural sources of calcium. One can have adequate amounts of these by eating three servings of dairy products a day. Other good food sources of calcium include calcium-fortified orange juice, leafy green vegetables, and broccoli. Researchers believe that most people fall short on vitamin D, a critical nutrient. Older people are especially at high risk of vitamin D deficiency, the reason being that the body becomes less efficient at producing vitamin D as we age.
Experts recommend across the board 1, 000 mg of calcium a day for most adults and 1, 200 mg/day for women after menopause and men after 70. Normally, adults need at least 600 IU of vitamin D per day for bone health, whereas adults 70 years and older need 800 IU of vitamin D a day to prevent falls and fractures.
Besides these two essential nutrients, bones also require protein, vitamin B12, magnesium, vitamin C, and other nutrients. Unfortunately, the diets of many older people fall short on some of these nutrients. So, even if they're getting calcium and vitamin D, they're still losing bone.
Avoid highly processed food - Processing robs some foods of their natural nutrients. Even when vitamins or minerals are added, processed foods usually lack the full array of nutrients found in natural foods.
Choose whole foods - Choose foods with whole grains, which are far richer in nutrients linked to bone health. Look at the ingredient panel of breads, cereals, and other products made with grain. The first ingredient should be a whole grain.
Go for variety of foods - If you're cooking for yourself, it's easy to get stuck in a rut. You are likely to miss out on the variety that ensures a healthy diet. Try a new grain, such as bulgur or quinoa. Choose vegetables from across the spectrum of colors, from leafy greens to red sweet peppers. Nutritionists say that a colorful diet will help ensure a balance of nutrients necessary for good bone health.
Plan a regular schedule of exercise - Bones are living tissue like muscles and so they respond to exercise as well. Young women and men, who exercise regularly, generally achieve greater peak bone mass (maximum bone density and strength) than those who do not. For most people, bone mass peaks during the third decade of life, after which people begin to lose bone. As a matter of fact, exercise stimulates bone formation, when bone put under moderate stress responds by building density. Depending on your age and workout regimen, it can either increase or maintain bone-mass density.
The best exercise for bones is the weight bearing kind that works against gravity. Some examples of weight bearing exercises are weight training, walking, hiking, jogging, stair climbing, tennis and dancing. Some of exercises fail to exercise all parts of the body like walking will only strengthen muscles and bones of the lower part. And, therefore, a holistic plan of exercise should include working out all parts of the body. So, working out with weight-training machines, free weights, or resistance bands, as well as doing exercises that use your body weight as resistance, for example sit-ups and push-ups, or yoga will all build bone density.
It is advisable to begin exercising when one is young to build and maintain bone strength and mass. A suitable plan of exercise is also recommended, if you are at a high risk of fracture especially if you are over 70 or have broken bones easily in the past, to keep fit safely without causing further fractures. But this category of people should begin working out under the supervisions of an expert. A word of caution for those, who have not participated in any kind of exercise for a long time, is to consult a doctor before beginning an exercise schedule. After getting a green signal, they should approach an expert, who is well versed with all aspects of exercise, in order to take help in formulating a suitable exercise plan.
Limit caffeine - Having too much caffeine can decrease the amount of calcium you absorb. Adults should aim for no more than 400mg of caffeine per day (about 2-3 cups of coffee per day). Pregnant and breastfeeding women should have no more than 300mg caffeine per day.
Limit alcohol - Drinking alcohol can contribute to bone loss. If you drink, have no more than 2-3 drinks per day. Have no more than 15 drinks a week if you are a man and no more than 10 drinks a week if you are a woman.
Quit smoking - If you smoke, you may have faster bone loss and a higher risk of bone fractures than non-smokers.
The bottom line -
It is well evident that we all lose bone density with age, variability of which depends on our lifestyle. Our food and exercise habits greatly influence the health of bones. By eating foods rich in nutrients, avoiding processed foods, consuming whole and variety of foods, limiting intake of alcohol and caffeine, quitting smoking, and by doing regular exercise, we can halt or slow down the process of loss of bone density, occurring with age.
Thursday, 1 September 2016
What Teens Want Parents to Understand
Remember when you were young and how it felt being hassled by
your parents? Remember how you used to think your parents never
understood you and that they were old and uninformed? Well, now that we
are in that position, as parents of teenagers, we need to remember what
we want from our parents.
Let's look at the perspective of teenagers during this phase of their lives and what they think of us.
1. Teens want to be able to decide things for themselves and be able to separate from their parent's rule. It's only natural and is an important step towards independence and autonomy. Even though we prefer to shelter them and keep them from getting hurt, they need to make mistakes, just as we did. For parents, it's essential that we let our teens develop their own identity and be able to solve problems using their own wits, knowledge and common sense.
2. Teens want to experiment and push to the limit. As a parent, you need to pick and choose your battles, saving your biggest objections for the really important things, like drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex. Other things like clothes, make-up, music, etc, may not be worth hassling over and causing a strain on the relationship.
3. Teens are more competent than we assume. Imagine how it feels to have your body tell you that you are an adult and yet your parents are still calling you a child and treating you as such. Teens want to be heard and respected and it is up to us to allow them to excel. Recognize their talents ie: computer savvy, cooking skills, art work, etc. and utilize those skills within the dynamic of the household. Let teens feel like they are contributing to the family and that their responsibilities are meaningful.
4. Teens want their parents to know that words hurt and that it is hard to forget. Be careful of what you say to your kids and how you say it. Parents need to understand that, like us, our kids have feelings too.
Everyone in the family is competing for your time. They should never be competing for importance. The key is to convey that your teens are significant and that you are enjoying the journey with them. You do that by listening without judgment and understanding with much empathy. As with everything else, this phase will be over and your relationship will be that much stronger.
Let's look at the perspective of teenagers during this phase of their lives and what they think of us.
1. Teens want to be able to decide things for themselves and be able to separate from their parent's rule. It's only natural and is an important step towards independence and autonomy. Even though we prefer to shelter them and keep them from getting hurt, they need to make mistakes, just as we did. For parents, it's essential that we let our teens develop their own identity and be able to solve problems using their own wits, knowledge and common sense.
2. Teens want to experiment and push to the limit. As a parent, you need to pick and choose your battles, saving your biggest objections for the really important things, like drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex. Other things like clothes, make-up, music, etc, may not be worth hassling over and causing a strain on the relationship.
3. Teens are more competent than we assume. Imagine how it feels to have your body tell you that you are an adult and yet your parents are still calling you a child and treating you as such. Teens want to be heard and respected and it is up to us to allow them to excel. Recognize their talents ie: computer savvy, cooking skills, art work, etc. and utilize those skills within the dynamic of the household. Let teens feel like they are contributing to the family and that their responsibilities are meaningful.
4. Teens want their parents to know that words hurt and that it is hard to forget. Be careful of what you say to your kids and how you say it. Parents need to understand that, like us, our kids have feelings too.
Everyone in the family is competing for your time. They should never be competing for importance. The key is to convey that your teens are significant and that you are enjoying the journey with them. You do that by listening without judgment and understanding with much empathy. As with everything else, this phase will be over and your relationship will be that much stronger.
How to Collect Evidence on a Cheater
Think your partner is keeping company other than you? For
whatever reasons you may think this, make sure they are valid and solid
reasons. There's nothing worse than making a fool out of yourself and
losing someone because of your unfounded suspicions.
First ask yourself these questions:
The first place to turn to is the internet. Oh yes, I'm talking about social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. If you're hoping to find strong, incriminating evidence, look no further than sites like these which allow members to upload photos, post comments, and share their lives with a large group of "friends." The best part? They let you browse anonymously.
Facebook makes it easy to see if your partner has been unfaithful via wall posts by letting you see a "wall-to-wall" between mutual friends. There are also photo albums, which are readily available for viewing - if you're not blocked that is. MySpace is basically the same thing, but with more flashy graphics. Of course, your partner might have mastered the art of untagging themselves or making their photos completely private. If that's the case, the only way you would be able to see those photos is if you're logged into their account. There's no way to justify hacking into your partner's account, so I don't recommend trying it.
The next best thing would be getting a hold of something personal, like a journal or cell phone. Although, this may prove to be a more daunting task, it is not impossible. Since raiding a journal may be deemed too much of an invasion of privacy, let's try the cell phone.
The best way to accomplish this task without being too obvious is to make sure your partner's phone is away from them and closer to you. This way, should they receive a call or message, you can be the first to answer it.
Now, for this, you will need two loyal friends who have each other's phone numbers and one that has your partner's phone number. Once the phone-to-partner proximity is right, text Friend A an inconspicuous message which will be their signal to text Friend B an equally inconspicuous message. It is now Friend B's job to text a question to your partner. Make sure the question is something that you can answer for your partner; for example: "Are you and blah (this being you) going out to eat later?" Casually pick up the phone and read aloud the text and who it is from. Tell your partner that you will answer it for them. After you quickly respond to the text, smoothly begin rifling through their other texts and look for anything that might confirm your beliefs.
If you're still convinced that your partner is cheating on you, simply ask them. It sounds crazy, I know, but you can tell a lot from facial expressions.
Signs to look for:
First ask yourself these questions:
- Does your partner have a cheating history?
- Have they randomly accused you of cheating?
- Are they more withdrawn?
- Have they become more protective of their phone/computer?
The first place to turn to is the internet. Oh yes, I'm talking about social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. If you're hoping to find strong, incriminating evidence, look no further than sites like these which allow members to upload photos, post comments, and share their lives with a large group of "friends." The best part? They let you browse anonymously.
Facebook makes it easy to see if your partner has been unfaithful via wall posts by letting you see a "wall-to-wall" between mutual friends. There are also photo albums, which are readily available for viewing - if you're not blocked that is. MySpace is basically the same thing, but with more flashy graphics. Of course, your partner might have mastered the art of untagging themselves or making their photos completely private. If that's the case, the only way you would be able to see those photos is if you're logged into their account. There's no way to justify hacking into your partner's account, so I don't recommend trying it.
The next best thing would be getting a hold of something personal, like a journal or cell phone. Although, this may prove to be a more daunting task, it is not impossible. Since raiding a journal may be deemed too much of an invasion of privacy, let's try the cell phone.
The best way to accomplish this task without being too obvious is to make sure your partner's phone is away from them and closer to you. This way, should they receive a call or message, you can be the first to answer it.
Now, for this, you will need two loyal friends who have each other's phone numbers and one that has your partner's phone number. Once the phone-to-partner proximity is right, text Friend A an inconspicuous message which will be their signal to text Friend B an equally inconspicuous message. It is now Friend B's job to text a question to your partner. Make sure the question is something that you can answer for your partner; for example: "Are you and blah (this being you) going out to eat later?" Casually pick up the phone and read aloud the text and who it is from. Tell your partner that you will answer it for them. After you quickly respond to the text, smoothly begin rifling through their other texts and look for anything that might confirm your beliefs.
If you're still convinced that your partner is cheating on you, simply ask them. It sounds crazy, I know, but you can tell a lot from facial expressions.
Signs to look for:
- Lack of eye contact
- Dilated pupils
- Fidgeting
- Sweating
- Inconsistencies in their story
- Rise in voice pitch
My Spouse Suspects Me Of Cheating, How Do I Prove I'm Not?
I don't think that there is anything worse (at least in terms of
your marriage) than knowing that your spouse is cheating on you.
However, I've had people tell me that having your spouse think that you
are cheating or having an affair when you absolutely aren't is also
miserable.
For example, imagine a wife saying: "my husband is convinced that I am having an affair, or at least have recently had one. My ex husband and I have been spending a lot of time together recently because of some issues with our child. I will admit that we now get along better than we ever have. I also admit that I have leaned on my ex for emotional support right now because frankly, he understands and cares about what I am going through more than anyone else (since we are going through the same thing.) So yes, I have learned on him. And yes, there have been times when we have talked or met one another face to face where I didn't tell my husband. But it wasn't to pursue any relationship or to try to reconcile. It was to share information about our child. My husband gets very stressed out about my child and I can't share everything with him. He found an email between my ex and myself discussing meeting at a restaurant. My husband took this to mean that we are seeing one another romantically. I have offered to let my husband talk to my ex to get reassurance that there is nothing going on. I have also offered to let him read all of my emails and texts but he just scoffs at this and seems to prefer to think that I'm having an affair. How can I prove that I'm not?"
It's my theory that proving you're not having an affair is often a gradual process that happens over time. People often want to bombard their suspicious spouse with "proof" that they aren't cheating and then they are surprised when their spouse doesn't immediately pounce on this. Most spouses are really wanting emotional, and not physical, reassurance from you. Most of the time, they aren't looking for actual proof that they can hold in their hands. They are looking for reassurance from you so that they can put their mind at ease. And by reassurance, I don't mean a response like: "I can't believe that you would think that. You know what kind of stress I'm under and I can't believe that you'd even come to me with something so selfish. Why is it all about you? Oh course I'm not cheating on you. And you can read my emails if you want."
This kind of response is likely to make him both defensive and even more worried that you care more about your ex husband than him. Of course, I don't know your husband and can only make a suggestion as a wife who eventually found out that her husband was in fact having an affair. I can tell you what the faithful spouse would like to hear. So I'd try something like: "It really upsets me to hear you say this and not because of the accusation being hurtful to me. But it bothers me that you would think that I would do this to you. I am committed to you and to our marriage and it's upsetting to me that this situation with my child is affecting other areas of my life. Yes, I have been in contact with my ex husband more, but that's simply because we have to co parent our child during this challenging time. However, if this is making you uncomfortable, I'd be more than happy for you to participate with us. I didn't offer that before because I didn't want to burden you with all of this. If you'd like to come along next time or if it would make you feel better to read through our correspondence, I don't have a problem with either one. But I can promise you that I am not and I would not cheat on you."
I have to admit that he may not just blindly believe you at first. He may still have his doubts. But as you make an effort to include him and you stop reaching out as much to the other man, he is more likely to see that you are sincere. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to give him some additional attention and reassurance when it is natural and convincing to do so.
Also, if you are in counseling for the child's issues, then your counselor can likely help you with this marital issue also. It's important to address it before resentment and anger surfaces. There is already enough to deal with right now without adding issues for your marriage into the mix. Right now, your marriage should be your rock and your support system. Which is why it might be a good idea to lean a bit more on your current husband and a little bit less on your ex husband.
For example, imagine a wife saying: "my husband is convinced that I am having an affair, or at least have recently had one. My ex husband and I have been spending a lot of time together recently because of some issues with our child. I will admit that we now get along better than we ever have. I also admit that I have leaned on my ex for emotional support right now because frankly, he understands and cares about what I am going through more than anyone else (since we are going through the same thing.) So yes, I have learned on him. And yes, there have been times when we have talked or met one another face to face where I didn't tell my husband. But it wasn't to pursue any relationship or to try to reconcile. It was to share information about our child. My husband gets very stressed out about my child and I can't share everything with him. He found an email between my ex and myself discussing meeting at a restaurant. My husband took this to mean that we are seeing one another romantically. I have offered to let my husband talk to my ex to get reassurance that there is nothing going on. I have also offered to let him read all of my emails and texts but he just scoffs at this and seems to prefer to think that I'm having an affair. How can I prove that I'm not?"
It's my theory that proving you're not having an affair is often a gradual process that happens over time. People often want to bombard their suspicious spouse with "proof" that they aren't cheating and then they are surprised when their spouse doesn't immediately pounce on this. Most spouses are really wanting emotional, and not physical, reassurance from you. Most of the time, they aren't looking for actual proof that they can hold in their hands. They are looking for reassurance from you so that they can put their mind at ease. And by reassurance, I don't mean a response like: "I can't believe that you would think that. You know what kind of stress I'm under and I can't believe that you'd even come to me with something so selfish. Why is it all about you? Oh course I'm not cheating on you. And you can read my emails if you want."
This kind of response is likely to make him both defensive and even more worried that you care more about your ex husband than him. Of course, I don't know your husband and can only make a suggestion as a wife who eventually found out that her husband was in fact having an affair. I can tell you what the faithful spouse would like to hear. So I'd try something like: "It really upsets me to hear you say this and not because of the accusation being hurtful to me. But it bothers me that you would think that I would do this to you. I am committed to you and to our marriage and it's upsetting to me that this situation with my child is affecting other areas of my life. Yes, I have been in contact with my ex husband more, but that's simply because we have to co parent our child during this challenging time. However, if this is making you uncomfortable, I'd be more than happy for you to participate with us. I didn't offer that before because I didn't want to burden you with all of this. If you'd like to come along next time or if it would make you feel better to read through our correspondence, I don't have a problem with either one. But I can promise you that I am not and I would not cheat on you."
I have to admit that he may not just blindly believe you at first. He may still have his doubts. But as you make an effort to include him and you stop reaching out as much to the other man, he is more likely to see that you are sincere. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to give him some additional attention and reassurance when it is natural and convincing to do so.
Also, if you are in counseling for the child's issues, then your counselor can likely help you with this marital issue also. It's important to address it before resentment and anger surfaces. There is already enough to deal with right now without adding issues for your marriage into the mix. Right now, your marriage should be your rock and your support system. Which is why it might be a good idea to lean a bit more on your current husband and a little bit less on your ex husband.
My Wife Doesn't Believe The Affair Is Over - What Can I Do To Prove It To Her?
I sometimes hear from couples who are dealing with remaining
suspicions about an affair. Sometimes I hear from husbands who are
having a hard time convincing their wives that the affair is over. From
them, I often hear comments like: "I swear the affair is over. But no
matter what I do or say, my wife thinks I'm lying to her. She seems to
think that I'm only claiming the affair is over so that she'll trust me
again and let down her guard so I can continue cheating. This isn't at
all true. I ended the affair and I haven't called, texted, or interacted
with the other woman. This doesn't seem to be enough. How can I
convince her that the affair is over?"
Of course, there are two sides to every story. If you were to hear from the wife in this scenario, you might hear something like: "my husband swears that the affair is over, but he also swore that he wasn't cheating in the first place and obviously he was. So he has already proven himself to be a liar and I can't trust him. He is distant and isn't always home when he says he's going to be. So he can talk and make all the claims he wants, but I don't believe him when he says the affair is over."
Both people in the above scenario likely really believed in their own point of view. And frankly, there was no way to know if the husband had truly ended the affair without knowing more about the situation. However, there were some things that he could try to do in order to show his sincerity and truthfulness. I will discuss these things below.
Everything That Comes Out Of A Husband's Mouth After An Affair Must Be Truthful: You must know that wives are hyper alert after their husband has an affair. They are scrutinizing every claim, every demonstration of behavior, and even your body language. It's absolutely normal for them to question or doubt the things you say because you have been caught in a huge and hurtful lie.
That's why it's vital that everything you say, everything you claim, and every comment you make is truthful. And this is not limited to topics that have to do with the other woman or the affair. This includes everything that comes out of your mouth during every conversation. I sometimes have husbands complain that their wife is always looking to catch them in a lie. One husband said he accidentally mentioned having lunch with a coworker at one restaurant when he had actually gone somewhere else. The wife immediately zeroed in on this and wanted to know why he offered up the wrong restaurant. The husband said he simply misspoke, but the wife was uneasy about this little white lie.
This is not uncommon. Because when a wife catches you in little white lies, she then wonders if you're not telling little white lies to cover up a much bigger lie - like an affair. That's why you must be completely honest about everything from the weather, to lunch, to any interactions with the other person. You don't want to give your wife any reason whatsoever to doubt you. If you need to think before you speak, do so because even little white lies erode the trust even further.
Make Sure That You Are Being An Affectionate, Accommodating, Attentive Husband: When your wife notices you acting cold, off, or weird, her suspicions can be raised. She'll wonder why you are distancing yourself from her. And she might begin to theorize that your coldness or lack of interest is because you are still interested in someone else or are juggling two relationships. Being affectionate, attentive, and accommodating to your wife will go a long way toward restoring the trust. If you are showing your wife that she is your priority, she will have less reasons to question you.
Also, it's important that you try to accommodate any request that she might have to help her heal. If she wants to seek counseling, you should willingly go. You should make every effort to provide her with what she needs. If she sees that you're spending a lot of time making an effort to make this right, she will have less incentive to wonder where you are spending your time. Be willing to offer up proof in the form of emails and phone records if this will make your wife feel better.
Do Not Allow For Any Contact With The Other Woman: Many men in this situation admit to me that the other woman is trying to call or see them. Of course, they don't tell their wives about this and then they wonder why their wife is getting suspicious of their behavior. You need to make absolutely sure the other woman doesn't have inappropriate access to you. Change your cell phone number if you need to or make it clear that you will not answer or return calls and texts. Make sure that the other woman knows that it is really and truly over. Because needless to say if your wife finds out about any sort of contact, this is only going to reinforce her suspicions.
Give Her Time: Sometimes, you can do everything that I have described above and your wife still will suspect that the affair isn't over. In this case, keep being reassuring, accountable, and affectionate and give her some time. Often, once she sees that you aren't going anywhere and are willing to hang in there and be patient with her, she will begin to believe more of what you say. After several months, may wives will look around and still see a husband who is present, attentive, and trying very hard to save the marriage. I speak from experience when I say that it's usually at this point that you tell yourself that this man must really want to be married to you in order to still be standing in front of you after all of the turmoil and pain. And often, wives need to literally see that as time goes by, you're still there with her and, exactly as you promised, you didn't have anything else to do with the other woman.
Of course, there are two sides to every story. If you were to hear from the wife in this scenario, you might hear something like: "my husband swears that the affair is over, but he also swore that he wasn't cheating in the first place and obviously he was. So he has already proven himself to be a liar and I can't trust him. He is distant and isn't always home when he says he's going to be. So he can talk and make all the claims he wants, but I don't believe him when he says the affair is over."
Both people in the above scenario likely really believed in their own point of view. And frankly, there was no way to know if the husband had truly ended the affair without knowing more about the situation. However, there were some things that he could try to do in order to show his sincerity and truthfulness. I will discuss these things below.
Everything That Comes Out Of A Husband's Mouth After An Affair Must Be Truthful: You must know that wives are hyper alert after their husband has an affair. They are scrutinizing every claim, every demonstration of behavior, and even your body language. It's absolutely normal for them to question or doubt the things you say because you have been caught in a huge and hurtful lie.
That's why it's vital that everything you say, everything you claim, and every comment you make is truthful. And this is not limited to topics that have to do with the other woman or the affair. This includes everything that comes out of your mouth during every conversation. I sometimes have husbands complain that their wife is always looking to catch them in a lie. One husband said he accidentally mentioned having lunch with a coworker at one restaurant when he had actually gone somewhere else. The wife immediately zeroed in on this and wanted to know why he offered up the wrong restaurant. The husband said he simply misspoke, but the wife was uneasy about this little white lie.
This is not uncommon. Because when a wife catches you in little white lies, she then wonders if you're not telling little white lies to cover up a much bigger lie - like an affair. That's why you must be completely honest about everything from the weather, to lunch, to any interactions with the other person. You don't want to give your wife any reason whatsoever to doubt you. If you need to think before you speak, do so because even little white lies erode the trust even further.
Make Sure That You Are Being An Affectionate, Accommodating, Attentive Husband: When your wife notices you acting cold, off, or weird, her suspicions can be raised. She'll wonder why you are distancing yourself from her. And she might begin to theorize that your coldness or lack of interest is because you are still interested in someone else or are juggling two relationships. Being affectionate, attentive, and accommodating to your wife will go a long way toward restoring the trust. If you are showing your wife that she is your priority, she will have less reasons to question you.
Also, it's important that you try to accommodate any request that she might have to help her heal. If she wants to seek counseling, you should willingly go. You should make every effort to provide her with what she needs. If she sees that you're spending a lot of time making an effort to make this right, she will have less incentive to wonder where you are spending your time. Be willing to offer up proof in the form of emails and phone records if this will make your wife feel better.
Do Not Allow For Any Contact With The Other Woman: Many men in this situation admit to me that the other woman is trying to call or see them. Of course, they don't tell their wives about this and then they wonder why their wife is getting suspicious of their behavior. You need to make absolutely sure the other woman doesn't have inappropriate access to you. Change your cell phone number if you need to or make it clear that you will not answer or return calls and texts. Make sure that the other woman knows that it is really and truly over. Because needless to say if your wife finds out about any sort of contact, this is only going to reinforce her suspicions.
Give Her Time: Sometimes, you can do everything that I have described above and your wife still will suspect that the affair isn't over. In this case, keep being reassuring, accountable, and affectionate and give her some time. Often, once she sees that you aren't going anywhere and are willing to hang in there and be patient with her, she will begin to believe more of what you say. After several months, may wives will look around and still see a husband who is present, attentive, and trying very hard to save the marriage. I speak from experience when I say that it's usually at this point that you tell yourself that this man must really want to be married to you in order to still be standing in front of you after all of the turmoil and pain. And often, wives need to literally see that as time goes by, you're still there with her and, exactly as you promised, you didn't have anything else to do with the other woman.
Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity - A Cheating Husband or Cheating Wive?
Infidelity and affairs happen more frequently than we like to think about..
The good thing is most women and men who find their husband or wife cheating want to fight for it and give the marriage a second shot.
Similarly cheating wives and husbands who see what they have risked and may lose, often want to make amends' than stay with their new love interest.
In both cases the act of research or seeking support and willingness to try the solutions is a strong sign that the marriage can survive infidelity.
Many argue over what infidelity and cheating is.
According to the English Online Dictionary...
Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse..
Infidelity therefore can take many forms...
virtual, emotional, physical and financial.
No matter what type of infidelity has taken place, it is deeply traumatic for the betrayed spouse and the marriage. The betrayer can also suffer regret, depression and shame...
So clearly actions NOT words need to be taken to save the marriage and recover after the affair do need to take place.
But in answer to the question is YES! marriages can and do survive infidelity time and time again and in fact many I help actually come out stronger and happier as a result.
Dave and Cindy (names changed to protect identity) before the affair were living separate lives under one roof, they just weren't engaged in each other's lives, they stopped having sex years before and their only communication was on children and bills. Now they are affectionate towards one another, interested in each other's day and love spending time together.
The key thing that helped them was the fact that we did not repeat what happened in the marriage before the affair and list all the negative points they had about each other since they got married, NO, they instead focused on creating a new relationship and way of relating from scratch.
That is key to after you catch a cheating husband or wife, not to go back to how things were, but to ask empowering questions to move you forward. Happiness in life is about closing the GAP.
Taking where you are now to where you want to be: what you want the relationship and future to look like. Created a shared meaning for the future after the affair is also important. Having a shared vision holds couples together through difficult times.
Cindy and Dave are now the happiest they have ever been, they laugh, talk and touch all the time...
If you're stuck not knowing if you can save your marriage after the affair... here are a few more questions to know and assess whether your marriage can be saved.
1. Does the betrayer realize the pain they have caused and want to make amends?
2. Have they made a heartfelt apology and taken actions to rebuild trust?
3. Are the couple working towards a common goal of repairing the marriage and creating a compelling future together?
4. If there is an addiction, other behavioral issues or depression that is being dealt with?
5. Do the couple have the required patience to deal with cheating and infidelity triggers?
6. Are they focusing on creating a new relationship rather than focusing on the past?
7. Are they willing to invest energy and time into saving the marriage?
8. Are they making each other and the marriage a priority?
If you can answer yes to all or most of these questions, there is a great chance the marriage can survive infidelity, if no, look at the areas that need to be worked at.
There is no doubt that the most important thing in a marriage, as in any other relationship, is honesty and real understanding. This can be rebuilt but not over night, trust is not like a light you can switch on or off, it is more like one of those dimmer round switches that over time with the right actions from the outset can be increased and eventually restored.
Marriage Counseling After the Affair
You need to be careful when selecting a good marriage counselor after the affair, as some marriage counseling centers or counselors, believe that an affair has already damaged the marriage beyond repair.
You need to select a marriage counselor that has a program to help you move forward and not marriage counseling that has no plan, focuses on the past and lacks structure. Turning up for aimless painful negative talking about where the marriage failed... will not help.
Plus it is important that the marriage counselor is open to working with you individually and as a couple, a mixture of both works best when it comes to marriage counseling for after the affair recovery.
What to focus on?
I know the 3 A's work
Attention - making each other a priority
Affection - care and loving touch can go along way
Appreciation - appreciating what the other has
Hope this is helpful to you, just remember an affair it doesn't mean the marriage is over. It's only over, if you are no longer willing to put effort into it
The good thing is most women and men who find their husband or wife cheating want to fight for it and give the marriage a second shot.
Similarly cheating wives and husbands who see what they have risked and may lose, often want to make amends' than stay with their new love interest.
In both cases the act of research or seeking support and willingness to try the solutions is a strong sign that the marriage can survive infidelity.
Many argue over what infidelity and cheating is.
According to the English Online Dictionary...
Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse..
Infidelity therefore can take many forms...
virtual, emotional, physical and financial.
No matter what type of infidelity has taken place, it is deeply traumatic for the betrayed spouse and the marriage. The betrayer can also suffer regret, depression and shame...
So clearly actions NOT words need to be taken to save the marriage and recover after the affair do need to take place.
But in answer to the question is YES! marriages can and do survive infidelity time and time again and in fact many I help actually come out stronger and happier as a result.
Dave and Cindy (names changed to protect identity) before the affair were living separate lives under one roof, they just weren't engaged in each other's lives, they stopped having sex years before and their only communication was on children and bills. Now they are affectionate towards one another, interested in each other's day and love spending time together.
The key thing that helped them was the fact that we did not repeat what happened in the marriage before the affair and list all the negative points they had about each other since they got married, NO, they instead focused on creating a new relationship and way of relating from scratch.
That is key to after you catch a cheating husband or wife, not to go back to how things were, but to ask empowering questions to move you forward. Happiness in life is about closing the GAP.
Taking where you are now to where you want to be: what you want the relationship and future to look like. Created a shared meaning for the future after the affair is also important. Having a shared vision holds couples together through difficult times.
Cindy and Dave are now the happiest they have ever been, they laugh, talk and touch all the time...
If you're stuck not knowing if you can save your marriage after the affair... here are a few more questions to know and assess whether your marriage can be saved.
1. Does the betrayer realize the pain they have caused and want to make amends?
2. Have they made a heartfelt apology and taken actions to rebuild trust?
3. Are the couple working towards a common goal of repairing the marriage and creating a compelling future together?
4. If there is an addiction, other behavioral issues or depression that is being dealt with?
5. Do the couple have the required patience to deal with cheating and infidelity triggers?
6. Are they focusing on creating a new relationship rather than focusing on the past?
7. Are they willing to invest energy and time into saving the marriage?
8. Are they making each other and the marriage a priority?
If you can answer yes to all or most of these questions, there is a great chance the marriage can survive infidelity, if no, look at the areas that need to be worked at.
There is no doubt that the most important thing in a marriage, as in any other relationship, is honesty and real understanding. This can be rebuilt but not over night, trust is not like a light you can switch on or off, it is more like one of those dimmer round switches that over time with the right actions from the outset can be increased and eventually restored.
Marriage Counseling After the Affair
You need to be careful when selecting a good marriage counselor after the affair, as some marriage counseling centers or counselors, believe that an affair has already damaged the marriage beyond repair.
You need to select a marriage counselor that has a program to help you move forward and not marriage counseling that has no plan, focuses on the past and lacks structure. Turning up for aimless painful negative talking about where the marriage failed... will not help.
Plus it is important that the marriage counselor is open to working with you individually and as a couple, a mixture of both works best when it comes to marriage counseling for after the affair recovery.
What to focus on?
I know the 3 A's work
Attention - making each other a priority
Affection - care and loving touch can go along way
Appreciation - appreciating what the other has
Hope this is helpful to you, just remember an affair it doesn't mean the marriage is over. It's only over, if you are no longer willing to put effort into it
Dealing with A Cheating Spouse
Dealing with a cheating spouse, am sorry because I know
what pain and anger you are experiencing at this time. I know, to many
folks, it feels like a part of them has been stripped away and
uncertainty about the future is pressing on their minds.
There are clearly a lot of decisions to be made but the immediate need is learning how to manage the pain. Dealing with infidelity is probably one of the most difficult challenges you will ever face. It's so hurtful to know that the one who you have given your heart to has betrayed your trust and broken your heart. Dealing with a cheating spouse isn't easy but it is possible to recover.
How to Manage the Pain
It's easy for folks to tell you that the pain you are feeling will go away over time. For some that's true but it's not the case for everyone. You have the power to control when and how the pain you are experiencing goes away. Here are some steps to take to help deal with a cheating spouse;
Clearly dealing with a cheating spouse has caused pain and anger in your marriage and healing and restoration will take time. The important thing is that you begin to take steps to restore your life, whether you choose to stay married or not.
There are clearly a lot of decisions to be made but the immediate need is learning how to manage the pain. Dealing with infidelity is probably one of the most difficult challenges you will ever face. It's so hurtful to know that the one who you have given your heart to has betrayed your trust and broken your heart. Dealing with a cheating spouse isn't easy but it is possible to recover.
How to Manage the Pain
It's easy for folks to tell you that the pain you are feeling will go away over time. For some that's true but it's not the case for everyone. You have the power to control when and how the pain you are experiencing goes away. Here are some steps to take to help deal with a cheating spouse;
- Don't allow your spouse to pressure you to immediately forgive him/her for having an affair. You have been hurt and you deserve the right to take your time to understand what has happened and why. You need to be strong and assertive in ensuring that your needs are being met during this difficult time.
- Don't think to far into the future and add to your anger and frustration because of the unknown. There are a lot of questions to be answered and thinking too much about how difficult life will be without your spouse can bring added stress and make you more and more angry.
- Do find a close family member or friend you can talk things through and express your feelings to. Make sure it's someone you can trust to hold things you say in confidence.
- Don't be afraid to let your spouse know how hurt and disappointed you are. It's not a good idea to hold everything in. It might help if you express your anger and resentment of the affair to your cheating spouse. Dealing with the anger and frustration in positive ways will help you begin healing, after an affair.
- Don't make a decision right away regarding the future of your marriage. This is a life changing moment so make sure you take your time and then decide what you need to do.
- Be honest with your spouse and yourself when dealing with a cheating spouse. It's difficult to sometimes be honest in these situations when you know that every conversation you have can determine the fate of your marriage and future. It's OK to say "I don't know" rather than give an answer that makes you feel better or makes your spouse feel terrible.
Clearly dealing with a cheating spouse has caused pain and anger in your marriage and healing and restoration will take time. The important thing is that you begin to take steps to restore your life, whether you choose to stay married or not.
Should I Leave Your Cheating Spouse?
Affairs happen for many reasons, and they happen to all different
types of people. Affairs know no social distinction. If you are the
victim of an affair, you are probably sitting around, angry and
humiliated, and unsure of what to do.
Before you make any hasty decision, like leaving your spouse, it's important to understand why your spouse cheated on you. Spouses cheat for a myriad of reasons, and men and women stray for different reasons.
The basic thought is that when one spouse's needs aren't being met, they seek someone who can meet those needs. Often times, sex is not the primary reason for someone straying, although it is more common for men to cheat just for sex than it is for women. Women tend to cheat emotionally, which can ultimately lead to a sexual relationship.
Whether you spouse has had an affair, or if you just think they are, you need to establish the fact that something is wrong with your marriage. Something is making them step outside of the relationship, and something is making you feel as though they are. What typically happens is that spouses fail to communicate and understand each others needs.
My suggestion is to write down your top 5 needs, and have your partner do the same. Discuss these needs and develop ways to meet each others needs and expectations. By doing this, you are overcoming a major hurdle in any relationship, which is communication barrier. You are opening up and fully understanding what your partner needs from you, and vice versa.
This alone is critical in a relationship. It leads to so many more positive things. You will learn what activities each other likes, the way your needs change, and how well you are succeeding at meeting each others needs. By doing this small task, communicating, you are developing a transparency between the two of you. You are fully aware of each other and your likes and dislikes. Knowing this much about your spouse leads to building a more trusting bond between the two of you, and your feelings of your spouse cheating will fade. They will also feel less likely to betray you because their needs are being met at home.
So before you decide to just give up and divorce your spouse, look at the underlying problems in your relationship. Establish what is wrong in your relationship and evaluate the ability to overcome these challenges. You have known your spouse for so long, developed an intimacy that you haven't shared with anyone else, and committed to a life of love together. Are you ready to throw it all away?
Write down the positive things you and your spouse share. Write down how they make you feel, what you have accomplished together, and what you plan and dream about for the future. Put a value on how much these things mean to you. Now think about whether or not you would like to continue on these joyous journey, or quit now, and try to establish this all over again.
Don't you think you owe it to yourself to give this a try? I think your spouse will even want to try it when they see that you are committed to meeting and understanding the needs they have. It's easy to give up. You could just walk away, be angry and depressed forever, and never trust anyone again. That may also satisfy society and your family, because they really don't know what you are experiencing. They just think they know what's best for you.
But if you have a relationship worth saving, and you aren't ready to just give up, and you think you will miss your spouse and wonder about what could have been, then I encourage you to make it work. Marriage with someone you love is blissful, and if you have someone you love, don't cave into what others want. Find a support group of people like you, who have gone through what you are going through, and lean on them for guidance and support.
You are not alone, and this is not your fault. You can get past this and go on to live a wonderful life with the person you love. You will be able to forgive and trust, and you will be able to be happy again.
Before you make any hasty decision, like leaving your spouse, it's important to understand why your spouse cheated on you. Spouses cheat for a myriad of reasons, and men and women stray for different reasons.
The basic thought is that when one spouse's needs aren't being met, they seek someone who can meet those needs. Often times, sex is not the primary reason for someone straying, although it is more common for men to cheat just for sex than it is for women. Women tend to cheat emotionally, which can ultimately lead to a sexual relationship.
Whether you spouse has had an affair, or if you just think they are, you need to establish the fact that something is wrong with your marriage. Something is making them step outside of the relationship, and something is making you feel as though they are. What typically happens is that spouses fail to communicate and understand each others needs.
My suggestion is to write down your top 5 needs, and have your partner do the same. Discuss these needs and develop ways to meet each others needs and expectations. By doing this, you are overcoming a major hurdle in any relationship, which is communication barrier. You are opening up and fully understanding what your partner needs from you, and vice versa.
This alone is critical in a relationship. It leads to so many more positive things. You will learn what activities each other likes, the way your needs change, and how well you are succeeding at meeting each others needs. By doing this small task, communicating, you are developing a transparency between the two of you. You are fully aware of each other and your likes and dislikes. Knowing this much about your spouse leads to building a more trusting bond between the two of you, and your feelings of your spouse cheating will fade. They will also feel less likely to betray you because their needs are being met at home.
So before you decide to just give up and divorce your spouse, look at the underlying problems in your relationship. Establish what is wrong in your relationship and evaluate the ability to overcome these challenges. You have known your spouse for so long, developed an intimacy that you haven't shared with anyone else, and committed to a life of love together. Are you ready to throw it all away?
Write down the positive things you and your spouse share. Write down how they make you feel, what you have accomplished together, and what you plan and dream about for the future. Put a value on how much these things mean to you. Now think about whether or not you would like to continue on these joyous journey, or quit now, and try to establish this all over again.
Don't you think you owe it to yourself to give this a try? I think your spouse will even want to try it when they see that you are committed to meeting and understanding the needs they have. It's easy to give up. You could just walk away, be angry and depressed forever, and never trust anyone again. That may also satisfy society and your family, because they really don't know what you are experiencing. They just think they know what's best for you.
But if you have a relationship worth saving, and you aren't ready to just give up, and you think you will miss your spouse and wonder about what could have been, then I encourage you to make it work. Marriage with someone you love is blissful, and if you have someone you love, don't cave into what others want. Find a support group of people like you, who have gone through what you are going through, and lean on them for guidance and support.
You are not alone, and this is not your fault. You can get past this and go on to live a wonderful life with the person you love. You will be able to forgive and trust, and you will be able to be happy again.
How To Identify If Your Partner Is Being Unfaithful On You Under Your Nose?
A cheating partner is most likely the most common but the most
unfortunate outcome for any romantic relationship. This is probably one
of the most heartbreaking things that you'll learn about your spouse.
Nevertheless, believe it or not, there is actually something a whole lot
worse that you could possibly uncover with regards to your other half.
What's a lot worst than catching your other half cheating with your
bestfriend? or with a relative?. This is a double-whammy, because not
only has your partner betrayed your trust, not only have they been
giving their affections to another, but they have took part in spoiling
the relationship that you had with a trusted friend, or family member.
You'll feel like dying, and you'll wonder how two people who said that
they loved you betray you in this way. It's a pitiful observation that
in most cases the betrayed spouses guilt themselves for the damaged
relationship. Now, they'll start asking questions why didn't they see it
coming when in fact everybody else in their social circle or family
noticed some signs. Nobody wants to be the last to know! It's
undignified.
Unless your spouse and the third party have been really discreet about the relationship, there must be some signs that should be very obvious. The scorned spouse was very likely to miss the signs, for the reason that the last thing that they'd think is that their husband or wife would betray them on this level. Here are some things to take into consideration. If you have noticed these things, then it is just right to say that your spouse is up for something not right:
1. They appeared very thrilled to see each other: This one is quite noticeable, yet again, a trusting spouse would probably certainly not expect an affair involving a family member or a trusted friend. The innocent spouse may well be thinking that everyone is "one big happy family". This can be used by your spouse as an advantage. During family get-togethers, they may have a little conversation at the back yard or some corner with just the two of them. They might make a last minute run to the supermarket together. Could be your friend needed a snack or cigarettes, and your significant other was all too willing to run them to the store. In one way or another, they will use your innocence in certain situations so that they can meet and make plans for their next intimate meeting.
2. They seem uneasy around each other: This is the other side of the coin, so to speak. They might look uneasy, or queasy around each other. For no reason at all, they may also look really jumpy and restless. This usually happens because of the inherent tension between them, and usually the unmarried cheater wants the married cheater to leave their spouse. Also, the clandestine couple might fear that others can pick up on their sexual tension and energy. So, they tend to create a falsified tension between them so that other people will leave them alone.
3. Your family or friends will inform you about their suspicion: In many cases, some of the spouse's friends and family members know about the treacherous love affair or they might be suspecting that it is happening. In a casual conversation, your friends and family members would drop a comment that suggests an idea that your spouse is having an affair with your friend or a family member.
All these signs will only result to heart break. At this point, it's all up to you to figure out if your wife or husband is not only breaking your heart, but worst, breaking your relationship.
Unless your spouse and the third party have been really discreet about the relationship, there must be some signs that should be very obvious. The scorned spouse was very likely to miss the signs, for the reason that the last thing that they'd think is that their husband or wife would betray them on this level. Here are some things to take into consideration. If you have noticed these things, then it is just right to say that your spouse is up for something not right:
1. They appeared very thrilled to see each other: This one is quite noticeable, yet again, a trusting spouse would probably certainly not expect an affair involving a family member or a trusted friend. The innocent spouse may well be thinking that everyone is "one big happy family". This can be used by your spouse as an advantage. During family get-togethers, they may have a little conversation at the back yard or some corner with just the two of them. They might make a last minute run to the supermarket together. Could be your friend needed a snack or cigarettes, and your significant other was all too willing to run them to the store. In one way or another, they will use your innocence in certain situations so that they can meet and make plans for their next intimate meeting.
2. They seem uneasy around each other: This is the other side of the coin, so to speak. They might look uneasy, or queasy around each other. For no reason at all, they may also look really jumpy and restless. This usually happens because of the inherent tension between them, and usually the unmarried cheater wants the married cheater to leave their spouse. Also, the clandestine couple might fear that others can pick up on their sexual tension and energy. So, they tend to create a falsified tension between them so that other people will leave them alone.
3. Your family or friends will inform you about their suspicion: In many cases, some of the spouse's friends and family members know about the treacherous love affair or they might be suspecting that it is happening. In a casual conversation, your friends and family members would drop a comment that suggests an idea that your spouse is having an affair with your friend or a family member.
All these signs will only result to heart break. At this point, it's all up to you to figure out if your wife or husband is not only breaking your heart, but worst, breaking your relationship.
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